Courtship Displays and Attraction Signals

Overview

Courtship is conducted largely below the level of conscious awareness, through a vocabulary of body signals that announce how available, attractive, ready, and enthusiastic a person is. Dr. Albert Scheflen documented the automatic physiological shift that occurs the moment a person enters the company of the opposite sex: muscle tone rises, sagging and "bagging" around the face disappear, the stomach pulls in, the chest expands, posture becomes erect, and the gait becomes livelier — a whole-body display of health and vitality. A man stands taller, protrudes his jaw, and expands his chest to look dominant; an interested woman emphasizes her breasts, tilts her head, touches her hair, and exposes her wrists to look submissive.

This topic is a catalogue. It lays out the five-step attraction sequence every encounter follows, the thirteen most common female courtship gestures and the precise meaning of each, the smaller male repertoire built around crotch and status display, and the specific body parts each sex is wired to scan on the other. The recurring theme: attraction works by emphasizing sexual differences. To attract, we exaggerate what makes us male or female; to discourage, we hide those differences. Highlighting gender difference is exactly what makes a person look "sexy."

Key takeaways

Mental model

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The automatic arousal display and who calls the shots

The body's involuntary preparation

The most reliable courtship signals are the ones nobody chooses to send. Scheflen found that when a person comes into the company of the opposite sex, high muscle tone appears in preparation for a possible sexual encounter, facial "bagging" decreases, body sagging vanishes, the chest protrudes, the stomach is pulled in automatically, slumping disappears, and posture becomes erect. Both sexes walk with a livelier, springier gait that broadcasts health and vitality. The ideal place to watch this is a beach, where two strangers approach from a distance: the changes begin as soon as they are close enough to meet each other's gaze and persist until just after they pass, at which point the original slumped posture returns.

Some courtship signals are studied and deliberate; others, like these, are entirely unconscious. How we learn them is still unclear, but research increasingly suggests many are inborn.

The re-emergence of the colourful male

In most mammals it is the male that "dresses up" to impress drabber females. Humans reversed this — for centuries women did most of the sexual advertising through colourful clothing, jewellery, and painted faces. The exception was sixteenth- and seventeenth-century Europe, when men adorned themselves with wigs and colourful clothing and out-dressed the average woman. Historically women dressed to attract men, while men dressed to show status or to frighten enemies. Today the self-decorating male is re-emerging: footballers have facials and manicures, wrestlers tint their hair, and the "metrosexual" — a heterosexual man who copies women's grooming behaviours — has manicures, pedicures, hair colouring, and is "in touch with his feminine side." The authors observe metrosexuals falling into three groups: gay men, effeminate men, and men who have realized that adopting traditionally female behaviours is an effective way to meet large numbers of women.

Why women always call the shots

Ask any man who makes the first move and he will say men do. Every study of courtship, however, shows women initiate 90 percent of the time — through a series of subtle eye, body, and facial signals aimed at a targeted man who, if perceptive enough, responds. Men who approach without the green light have a low statistical success rate; they are playing the numbers game and must approach many women to make a "sale" (unless they happen to look like Brad Pitt). When such a man senses his approach will fail, he pretends he came to talk about something unrelated, using corny lines like "You work at the National Bank, don't you?" The walk across the floor only looks like the male's initiative; usually it follows the woman's signals. In short: women call the tune most of the time, and men do most of the dancing — but so subtly that most men believe they led.

Graham's story — reading versus initiating

Graham could enter a social function, quickly scope out the available women, make his choice, and leave with one in near-record time, then return and repeat the process several times in an evening. His secret was not charm but reading: he first spotted women whose body language signalled availability, then responded with his own male courtship gestures; interested women returned the appropriate signals, giving him the nonverbal green light to proceed.

This illustrates the core asymmetry. A woman's success in intimate encounters depends on her ability to send courtship signals and decode the ones sent back. A man's success depends mainly on his ability to read the signals sent to him, not on initiating moves. Most women are aware of courtship signals; most men are far less perceptive, often completely blind to them — which is why so many men struggle to find mates. Women's difficulty is different: not reading signals, but finding a man who matches their criteria. Women described Graham as sexy, masculine, humorous, and "someone who makes me feel feminine"; men described him as aggressive, insincere, and arrogant — their reaction to the competition he represented.

Differences between men and women in signalling and reading

Men find the subtler cues in women's body language difficult to interpret, and research shows they tend to mistake friendliness and smiling for sexual interest. The reason is biochemical: men carry ten to twenty times more testosterone than women, which inclines them to see the world in sexual terms. When women meet a possible partner they send out subtle — and often deliberately deceptive — courting signals to test whether he is worth pursuing, frequently bombarding him with courtship rituals in the first minutes. Men may misread these and make a clumsy pass. By sending erratic, ambiguous signals early on, women manipulate men into revealing their hand; this same ambiguity is one reason many women have trouble attracting men, because confused men decline to approach at all.

Research on animal courtship shows that male and female animals use intricate, largely subconscious courtship gestures following species-specific, predetermined patterns — a male bird struts, puffs his feathers, and performs intricate movements while the female feigns disinterest. Human flirtation is not unlike these courtship dances. The bottom line holds across species: to attract the opposite sex you emphasize sexual differences; to discourage them you play those differences down.

The attraction process — the five-step sequence

Human courtship follows a predictable five-step sequence whenever we meet someone attractive.

1. Eye contact. She spots a man she fancies, waits until he notices her, holds his gaze for about five seconds, then turns away. He keeps watching to see whether she repeats it. On average a woman must deliver this gaze three times before the average man registers what is happening. The process can repeat several times and is the start of flirting.
2. Smiling. She delivers one or more fleeting half-smiles intended to give the man the green light to approach. Many men fail to respond, leaving the woman feeling he is not interested.
3. Preening. She sits up straight to emphasize her breasts and crosses her legs or ankles to show them to best advantage; standing, she tilts her hips, tilts her head toward one shoulder to expose her bare neck, and plays with her hair for up to six seconds. She may lick her lips, flick her hair, and straighten clothing and jewellery. He responds by standing straighter, pulling his stomach in, expanding his chest, adjusting his clothing, touching his hair, and tucking his thumbs into his belt. Both point their feet or entire bodies toward each other.
4. Talk. He approaches and attempts small talk, using ice-breaker clichés such as "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
5. Touch. She looks for a chance to initiate a light, "accidental" touch on the arm. A hand touch signals higher intimacy than an arm touch. Each level of touch is then repeated — to check the other person is comfortable and to confirm the first touch was not an accident. A light brush of a man's shoulder implies she cares about his health and appearance; shaking hands is a quick way to reach the touch stage.

These five stages may seem minor, but they are critical to starting any relationship and are the stages most people — especially men — find difficult.

The thirteen female courtship gestures and their meanings

Women use most of the same basic preening gestures as men — touching the hair, smoothing clothing, hands on hips, foot and body pointing toward the man, an extended intimate gaze, and increased eye contact. Some also adopt the Thumbs-in-Belt gesture, though more subtly than men (usually one thumb tucked into a belt or protruding from a handbag or pocket). Women become more sexually active mid-menstrual-cycle, when conception is most likely, and during this window are more likely to wear shorter dresses and higher heels, to act more provocatively, and to deploy the following signals.

| # | Gesture | What it signals / why it works | | --- | --- | --- | | 1 | Head Toss and Hair Flick | Usually the first display. Hair flicked back over the shoulders or away from the face — even by short-haired women — shows she cares how she looks and exposes the armpit, wafting pheromones ("sex perfume") toward the target. | | 2 | Wet Lips and Pouting, Mouth Slightly Open | Larger, fuller lips are a signal of femaleness (female lips stay childlike and full; male lips thin and recede at puberty). Desmond Morris calls lip fullness "self-mimicry" of the genital lips. Wet lips (saliva or cosmetics) suggest sexual invitation; lipstick — an Egyptian invention 4,000 years old — mimics the reddened, blood-engorged genitals of arousal, which is why men consistently rate bright reds the most sensual. | | 3 | Self-Touching | The mind acts out secret desires. Women have far more touch-sensing nerve receptors than men. Slowly stroking her own thigh, neck, or throat implies a man might be allowed to touch her there, and lets her imagine his touch. | | 4 | The Limp Wrist | Walking or sitting with a limp wrist is a submission signal used exclusively by women and gay men — an attention-getter (like a bird feigning a damaged wing) that makes men feel they can dominate. In business it destroys credibility. | | 5 | Fondling a Cylindrical Object | Fondling a cigarette, finger, wineglass stem, dangling earring, or other phallic object is an unconscious indication of what is on the mind; sliding a ring on and off the finger can represent sex. Men may respond by symbolically possessing her — fondling her lighter, keys, or other nearby item. | | 6 | Exposed Wrists | She gradually exposes the soft underside of her wrists, increasing the rate as interest grows; palms are kept visible while she speaks. The wrist is one of the most delicate, erotic skin areas. Perfume on the wrist's real purpose is to thrust the wrist forward toward the man and draw his attention to it. | | 7 | Sideways Glance Over Raised Shoulder | The raised shoulder is self-mimicry of the rounded breast. With partially drooped eyelids she holds his gaze just long enough to be noticed, then looks away — producing a feeling of peeping in her and of being peeped at in him. | | 8 | Rolling Hips | Women's wider, child-bearing hips create an accentuated roll that highlights the pelvic region — a movement men physically cannot reproduce, making it a powerful sex-difference signal long used in advertising. | | 9 | The Pelvic Tilt | A waist-to-hips ratio of about 70 percent (the hourglass) signals reproductive health and is history's strongest male attention-grabber. Tilting the pelvis while standing highlights this ratio. | | 10 | Handbag in Close Proximity | The handbag is treated almost as an extension of her body, so placing it near a man — or asking him to pass it or retrieve something from it — is a strong intimacy signal; keeping it away signals distance. She may fondle it if very interested. | | 11 | The Knee Point | One leg tucked under the other points toward the most interesting person, relaxes the conversation, and gives a fleeting exposure of the thighs. | | 12 | The Shoe Fondle | Dangling a shoe on the end of the foot signals a relaxed attitude and has a phallic effect — thrusting the foot in and out of the shoe — that unsettles many men without their knowing why. | | 13 | The Leg Twine | Rated by most men the most appealing female sitting position. One leg pressed firmly against the other gives the appearance of high muscle tone — the body's "ready for sexual performance" condition (Scheflen). Related leg signals include slowly crossing and uncrossing the legs and stroking the thighs, indicating a desire to be touched. |

The waist-to-hips ratio, in detail

The 70 percent ratio is the centrepiece of female attraction signalling and deserves its own note. Men begin to lose interest as the ratio exceeds 80 percent and lose interest entirely at 100 percent; below 70 percent some interest is retained, but 70 percent remains the optimum for reproductive success. Professor Devendra Singh, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Texas, studied fifty years of Miss America contestants and Playboy centrefolds and found the most appealing ratio falls between 67 and 80 percent. In a further experiment using underweight, average, and overweight women, those of average weight with a roughly 70 percent ratio were rated most alluring — and, remarkably, men gave the 70 percent ratio the highest rating even when the woman was quite heavy. A woman can therefore be physically larger and still turn male heads if she carries that ratio.

What men look at in women's bodies

Men's brains are wired to be drawn to women who display the most reproductive health and sexual availability. Both sexes prefer an athletic body shape — to men this signals health and the ability to bear his genes. Men are also more attracted to a childlike face (large eyes, small nose, full lips and cheeks), which evokes paternal, protective feelings, which is why cosmetic-surgery advertising stresses these features. Women, conversely, prefer adult male faces showing the ability to defend — strong jaw, larger brow, strong nose.

Crucially, a woman need not be naturally beautiful to attract a man; beauty gives an initial edge, but availability signals matter more, which is why some women who are not conventionally attractive always have suitors. A man is more attracted by signs of availability than by physical attractiveness — and availability signals can be learned and practised. Sixty years of attraction research reach the same conclusion as poets and painters across six thousand years: a woman's appearance and what she does with her body is more immediately attractive to men than her intelligence or assets, even in the twenty-first century — though men apply different criteria for a long-term partner. As the authors put it, you must attract a man first before he can discover your inner virtues; when fishing, you bait the hook with what the fish likes, not what you like.

How beautiful people miss out

Physical perfection is largely a media construction. Extremely attractive people are rare and are wrongly held up as the universal standard, but studies show most of us are sceptical of them — we prefer mates roughly as attractive as we are, because they are likelier to stay rather than look for a better offer. This preference appears inborn: babies prefer looking at average faces over beautiful ones.

Is he a butt, boobs, or leg man?

Men split into three fairly even groups by favourite female body part — breasts, buttocks, legs. The female body has evolved as a permanent, portable sexual-signalling system built to attract male attention for reproduction; this may not be politically correct, but it is biologically so.

• Butts. Men favour rounded, peach-shaped buttocks. Unlike other primates — whose females display enlarged buttocks only when ready to mate — human females display them permanently and are almost always sexually available, supporting long-term pair-bonding for rearing children. Humans are the only primates to mate face-to-face; in other species males approach from the rear, using swollen red buttocks as a readiness signal, which is the root of men's attraction to the buttocks: they always imply availability. Buttocks also store fat for breastfeeding and lean times. Designer jeans and high heels (which arch the back and push the buttocks out) exploit this; Marilyn Monroe reputedly shortened one heel to emphasize her wiggle.
• Breasts. Now the object of a multibillion-dollar enhancement industry, despite breasts being little more than enlarged sweat glands, mostly fat tissue not involved in milk production. Their clear purpose is sexual signalling: enlarged breasts evolved to mimic the female rear from the days of walking on all fours — tests show most men cannot distinguish a butt crack from cleavage. It is the cleavage that stimulates men most, regardless of breast size; a woman attracted to a man leans forward and brings her arms in to create one. Men favour the breasts of a woman at her reproductive peak (late teens, early twenties). Purdue University researchers found a female hitchhiker can double her lifts by adding two inches of bust padding.
• Legs. At puberty a girl's legs lengthen rapidly under a flood of hormones, so long legs became a signal of sexual maturity and childbearing capacity. High heels create the illusion of fertile-looking legs by lengthening the leg, arching the back, forcing the buttocks out, shrinking the feet, and thrusting the pelvis forward — making the stiletto, the authors quip, the most efficient "sex aide" on the market. Most men prefer shapely, thicker legs over spindly ones, because extra leg fat heightens the male-female difference and indicates better lactation — athletic, but not so muscular she "could play football for England."

When someone is "hot stuff"

Core body temperature is 98.6°F, but skin temperature varies with emotion. "Cold," standoffish people really are physically cooler, because tension draws blood into the limb muscles for fight-or-flight — so a "cold fish" is accurate on both levels. When one person is attracted to another, blood rises to the skin's surface, making them warmer — hence the "heat of passion," "warm embrace," "steamy encounters," and "hot stuff." In many women this shows as a flushed chest with red blotches and flushed cheeks.

Male courtship signals and gestures

Male displays centre on power, wealth, and status, and the repertoire is small. Where a woman dresses sensually, wears makeup, and uses a wide range of gestures, men rev car engines, brag about earnings, and challenge rival men. Most men, the authors note, are as effective at courtship as someone trying to catch fish by hitting them on the head with a stick — women have far more lures and fishing skills. Men are generally poor at both sending and receiving mating signals; mostly they simply react to signals they see. The recent rise in male grooming (facials, nail care, hair tinting, face creams — Scotsmen, a 2004 Gillette study found, spend sixteen minutes a day preening) reflects rising male vanity, not improved signal-reading.

Preening and the talking strategy

Like most male animals, the human male preens when a potential partner arrives: he straightens his tie, smooths his collar, brushes imaginary dust from his shoulder, touches cufflinks or watch, and rearranges his clothing. Many men also understand that talking at length about personal, intimate details wins points and opens a woman's mind — so early in a relationship a man often uses the talking strategy, only to revert after the honeymoon period to facts, information, and problem-solving.

The male crotch obsession

The most direct sexual display a man can make is the aggressive Thumbs-in-Belt gesture that frames his crotch. He may also turn his body toward her, point his foot at her, hold an intimate gaze longer than usual, and — seated or leaning — spread his legs to display the crotch. In baboon troops and other primates, males assert dominance through penis displays, spreading their legs and periodically "adjusting" to reassert status. Human males use the same display more subtly (the alternative carrying a prison sentence). The fifteenth-century codpiece advertised masculinity and status outright; today New Guinea natives still use penis sheaths, while Western men achieve the effect with tight pants, small Speedos, or a dangling bunch of keys or belt-end in front of the crotch — objects that conveniently invite "adjustment."

The Crotch Adjust and the off-centre tie

The most common public male sexual display is the Crotch Adjust — the man suddenly handling his crotch mid-conversation, as if his genitalia were too large and cumbersome to leave alone. Watch any group of young males, especially in macho settings like sports teams, and you will see continual crotch adjustment as each unconsciously asserts his masculinity (women are horrified when he then fetches a drink or shakes hands with the same hand). A practical reading trick: wear a neatly pressed suit with the tie slightly off-centre and a little lint on one shoulder — any woman who finds you attractive will be unable to resist straightening the tie and brushing off the lint.

Men's bodies — what turns women on the most

Women consistently prefer men with deeper, smoother voices, because deep tones are directly linked to testosterone. Around a woman he fancies a man tends to drop into deeper tones to highlight masculinity, while a responsive woman raises her pitch to contrast her femaleness. Since the feminist movement of the 1960s, in countries where feminism has been most influential, women's voices have measurably deepened as women took on more assertive, testosterone-producing roles.

Is she a chest, legs, or butt gal?

Women's sexual responses to men are triggered visually and split into three groups — legs, butts, and chests/arms — with butts taking 40 percent of the vote for first place. Overall women look for an athletic shape: broad shoulders, muscular chest and arms, a tight butt. Even now, surveys overwhelmingly show women want a man who looks as if he could wrestle animals and fight off invaders.

• Broad shoulders, chest, and muscular arms. The hunting male's upper torso is wide and tapers to narrow hips (the inverse of the female shape). Men evolved this to carry heavy weapons and kills over long distances; the chest developed to house large lungs for running and chasing. Women are drawn to a well-defined upper body but mostly dislike the bodybuilder "muscle man" look, sensing he is more interested in his own beauty than in hers.
• The small, tight butt. A compact, muscular rear is the universal favourite, and the reason is mechanical: a tight rear makes the strong forward thrust needed for effective sperm transfer, whereas a flabby derrière forces a man to throw his whole body weight into the thrust — uncomfortable for the woman.
• Narrow hips and muscular legs. Male legs attract women as symbols of power and endurance; they are the longest of any primate, and narrow hips allow swift long-distance running. Professor Devendra Singh found women rate male hips with a 90 percent waist-to-hips ratio the most appealing.

Summary

The world is in a "singles epidemic": Western marriage rates are the lowest in a century — half the rate of twenty-five years ago — and 28 percent of Australian adults have never married. That men and women are initially motivated by body features may dishearten some, but it cuts both ways: everyone can improve their appearance and consciously increase their attractiveness, and the availability signals catalogued here can be learned and practised. For those who prefer not to, online dating, IT matchmaking, flirt-a-thons, and speed-dating events are booming (a 2003 New York Times estimate put the annual worldwide turnover at three billion dollars). And because men have more trouble than women meeting potential partners, most flirting classes worldwide draw more male attendees than female.

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