How the Body Points to Where the Mind Wants to Go

Overview

Often the body goes one way while the mind goes another. You can be talking with someone who seems to be enjoying your company — head turned toward you, smiling, nodding — and still sense they would rather be somewhere else. A still photograph of that moment usually reveals the split: the head and facial signals point at you, but the body and feet point away, either toward another person or toward the nearest exit.

The direction in which a person points their body or feet is a signal of where they would prefer to be going. The head can be turned politely to acknowledge you while the torso and feet betray the real intention. Two men talking in a doorway illustrate the pattern: the listener's head turns to acknowledge the speaker, but his body stays pointed in the direction he wants to continue. A mutually interesting conversation can only take place once he turns his body toward the other man.

This gives you a usable diagnostic. In any face-to-face meeting, when someone has decided to end the conversation or wants to leave, they turn their body or feet to point toward the nearest exit. If that is happening in a conversation involving you, it is your cue to either do something to re-engage the person — or terminate the conversation on your own terms, so that you keep control rather than being walked away from.

Key takeaways

Mental model

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What body angles say

The distance between people signals their degree of interest or intimacy, and the angle at which they orient their bodies adds a second layer of nonverbal clues to attitude and relationship.

Open Positions

Most animals signal an intention to fight by approaching head-on, and the challenged animal reciprocates by also standing head-on. An animal that wants to inspect another at close range without attacking approaches side-on, the way friendly dogs do. The same is true of humans. A speaker who takes a strong attitude while standing straight and facing the listener directly is perceived as aggressive; a speaker who delivers exactly the same message with the body pointed away from the listener is seen as confident and goal-oriented, not aggressive.

To avoid coming across as aggressive in friendly encounters, we stand with our bodies angled at forty-five degrees to each other, which forms a 90-degree angle between them. Two people angled this way point their bodies toward an imaginary third point, forming a triangle. The angle indicates a non-aggressive conversation, and the matched stance often shows similar status through mirroring. The triangle also invites a third person to join: add a fourth and a square forms; a fifth and sixth produce either a circle or two new triangles.

In confined spaces — elevators, crowded buses, subway trains — where it is not possible to turn the body away from strangers to forty-five degrees, we turn our heads to the angle instead.

Closed Positions

When two people want intimacy, their body angle changes from forty-five degrees to zero degrees: they face each other directly. Someone who wants to monopolize a person's attention uses this position along with other courtship gestures. A man will not only point his body toward a woman, he also closes the distance, moving into her Intimate Zone; to accept the approach she need only orient her own body to zero degrees and allow him into her space. The distance between two people in a Closed Position is usually less than in the open formation.

Beyond courtship, two interested people in this position tend to mirror each other's gestures and increase eye contact. The Closed Position can also be used between people who are hostile toward each other, as a way of issuing a challenge.

Research has shown that men fear attack from the front and are more wary of a frontal approach, while women fear attack from behind and are wary of approaches from the rear. So never stand front-on with a male you have just met — he reads it as aggression from a man and sexual interest from a woman. If you are male, it is acceptable to approach a woman from the front, eventually angling yourself to forty-five degrees.

How we exclude others

The forty-five-degree Open Position taken by two people invites a third to join the conversation. But the invitation is conditional. If a third person wants to join two others standing in a Closed Position, he will be welcomed only when the other two angle their bodies to open the triangle. If he is not accepted, they hold the Closed Position and turn only their heads toward him as a sign of recognition — usually accompanied by tight-lipped smiles.

The same exclusion can develop mid-conversation. Three people may begin in the open triangle, but two of them may eventually shift into the Closed Position to shut out the third. That group formation is a clear signal to the excluded person that he should leave the group to avoid embarrassment. Reading it accurately saves you from lingering where you are no longer wanted; producing it deliberately is how a pair closes ranks.

Seated body pointing

Body pointing does not stop when people sit down. Crossing the knees toward another person shows interest in or acceptance of that person. If the other person becomes interested too, he will cross his knees back toward the first. As the two become more involved, they begin to mirror each other's movements and gestures, the seated equivalent of the standing Closed Position.

The same configuration excludes outsiders. A man and woman seated to the left who form a closed position shut out everyone else, such as a man seated to the right. The only way that excluded man could participate would be to move a chair into a position in front of the couple and attempt to form a triangle, or take some other action to break their closed formation. Short of that, the closed seated pair has effectively pointed him away.

Foot pointing

The feet do double duty. They serve as pointers indicating the direction the mind wants to go, and they also point at the people we find most interesting or attractive. Picture a social function with a group of three men and one woman. The conversation is dominated by the men while the woman mostly listens — and yet every man has his front foot pointing toward her.

With that single subconscious cue, each man is telling the woman he is interested in her. On a subconscious level she registers the foot gestures and is likely to stay with the group for as long as the attention continues. She stands with both feet together — neutral — and could eventually point one foot toward the man she finds most interesting, answering the signal in the same silent language.

Summary

Few people consider how much Body Pointing and Foot Pointing influence the attitudes and responses of others. To make people feel comfortable, use the forty-five-degree Open Position; when you need to exert pressure, use the direct body point. The forty-five-degree position lets the other person think and act independently, without feeling pressured. And remember the safety rule: never approach men directly from the front or women from behind.

These Body-Pointing skills take a little practice but soon become natural. In everyday encounters, Foot Pointing, Body Pointing, and positive gesture clusters — open arms, visible palms, leaning forward, head tilting, and smiling — make it easy for others not only to enjoy your company but to be influenced by your point of view.

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